The Old Caliph
I’m in Pakistan, where the whole Islamic State wants to kill me – all because I went to one of their crazy mosques!
There's this old dimwit Caliph who thought he’d been to hell – and all the young Muslims were admiring him and making him a hero. He was sitting cross legged there on his little carpet, running his fingers through his greasy beard, showing off this big empty steamer trunk, telling his flock the story.
One day, he says, when he was at the airport on a Holy Mission to plant a bomb, he slipped and fell into that very steamer trunk, got knocked out and the lid slammed shut. Hours later, the lid opened again and a light hit him in the face and when he opened his eyes he beheld a “nightmarish road.” It was elevated, he says, and it was long and narrow and it stretched into a swirling fog where it disappeared. And out of the fog, on that repulsive slender road, came an endless line of near-naked women.
It was obvious, he says, that this unclothed harem of wraiths was emerging from Hell, itself, coming right up to him, stopping, then blatantly showing him their horrid temptations. And all around bright lights flashed like bursts of evil starlight. Each one of these vile, sinful, girls stopped right there in front of him, he says, then each of these Vixens from Hell moved on again, back into that swirling fog.
“You idiot,” I said to him. “You’ve never been to hell. You fell into that steamer trunk and got put on a jetliner and was delivered by an airport shuttle.”
“Unbeliever!” gasped the old simpleton, fidgeting with his long gray beard.
“Old man,” I said to him, with his Muslim followers gathered around, “what you say you beheld was only Donald Trump’s Miss Universe Contest – and you’d already know it if you’d bothered to read the label on your steamer trunk.”
“Die Infidel!” he shrieked, and all his followers started shouting it, too. I was lucky to get out of there with my life. Now the old blockhead has issued a fatwa, and I’m on the lookout for his gang everywhere.
If you ask me the problem with the Radical Islam is simple.
Their caliphs are just jealous because western technology has taken all their glory away.